Analyzing

Deliriously wishing for some sexual activity in this time of loneliness. I was gazing in the empty wall in front of me, expecting some more active answers to my hopes, but nothing came. Sitting down in the bedroom by the Tv, with the almost silenced volume, became my routine.

I was thinking often these days, about those experiences which have passed and left tremendous mark on my sexuality as well on my personality.

Like one of my favorites, laying down ever softly on the bed and starting quietly with a lot of love, to easily become nasty and unexpected as it goes on. Do you understand me? Do you know what am I telling you? Giving up everything that you have, everything that you are, just to please him, just to please you. No boundaries of any kind!

Scary isn't it? To just open up like that, not thinking of the consequences... what might that openness turn into. What if it turns out to make the other person hate you? What if he/she becomes disgusted of you? That would not be a problem if our understanding of others and ourselves was not such a big deal. But giving it the way that it is, always questioning everything and being afraid of everyone, even ourselves, it starts to be an awful big problem. So in this part comes the lies, the cheating, telling the ones we don't know who we really are, and carefully hiding it from the ones we love.

But that is not me! I was, thankfully, made the way that I am, always honest and open to the one I love. I am also appreciative of them as well and i respect the truth that I receive, as much as the truth that I give. So in this perspective, it doesn't bother me to give up every dirty little secret about me. I will maybe regret sometime later, after the passion is down and long gone, but by than, it will be too late and even won't matter, as he will be long gone to.

So I am as I am... and I am thinking: What is there to be judged? Are the others more moral than me? Maybe they have greater values than I have? I don't really think so. We are as much as right and as much as wrong as the one next to us. If only everyone of us could try to accept the ones they love and try to accept themselves this world would have been a much better place. Is that so hard?